Sunday, May 10, 2009

That Shit Bag

Once again, I let myself got hurt.
I failed in keeping my heart in check.
I let myself to drift away, thinking this may be right. The one.

Yeah. My ass, more like it.

You chased me when you had a gf.
I told u, i never wanna be the third party.
You convinced me, that I was the one you wanted.
So you dump her.
We started a relationship then.

Within a month, she came to your house packing her stuff,
You freaked out, and immediately broke up with me,
Without even talking to me first.
You made your decision thru facebook. pfftt.

I crashed. You broke me.

After a few days, you got all confused again.
You wanted me back.
I clearly told you. DONT HURT ME AGAIN.
I can't take it. Not anymore.

Guess what?
You did it again.

Again you did it abruptly. All within a day.
On Wednesday, we were still watching movies and having dinner together.
Muttering sweet nothings. However your actions was a lil distant, I noticed.
I noticed lil lil things. But I guess I forget to see the bigger picture.

On Thursday afternoon - you told me blantly, you miss your ex. so much you cant sleep or work.
On Thursday evening - you told me, you are leaving me.
On Thursday night - you told me you cant have communicate with me anymore. because she said so.

That night itself, you've let it slip, that you've been dining with her when I wasn't free to see you. That you already told her you wanted her back before even telling me about it. And when I asked, why did you not tell me all these? Why did you hide it away from me? You immediately got all fired up, and said, you didnt think it was necessary to let me knw about it.

And so, I was caught off guard, AGAIN.

I was already reeling from the fact that you can do this to me again.
And yet, you brutally told me, in my face, how much she means to you, how much you love her more than me, that you cant afford to lose her to another person who is currently pursuing her, that you are gonna marry her once you get her back.

Either you are born cruel or you love pushing me to the edge to jump off the cliff.

All these you tell me, yet just the weekend before, you took me back to your parents place in Ipoh.
To see your family. To get to know them.
You told me, your love for me surpasses everyone, even your first ex-gf of 6.5years. The one you loved the most.
You told me, I was the best thing that happened to you.
You told me, in each facebook email, how much you care and love me and you vowed never to let me go. Ever again.
You told me, I gave u so much life that you manage to quit football betting and loses the interest of going clubbing anymore.

You told me, how boring your ex (current gf that replaces me) was.
How stupid she was, that sometimes wad she did, she dont even realise she was annoying the hell out of you.
You told me, you cant communicate with her. That sometimes she just stares blankly at you not understanding wad you've just said.
You told me, you can't wait for the weekend to get out of the house and to go partying with your friends, just because being with her in the house is just so goddamn boring.

And now you are telling me she's the one for you?
Apparently, you freaked out, firstly, because she's about to accept someone's invitation to care for her. secondly, she recently blocked you from all sorts of communication.
News flash : You HATE losing. That's one of the reason you can't sleep at night, just because you hate the thought of losing your most biggest fanatic fan to someone else.
And so, you thought she's the one. Because this sudden feelings, you are unable to answer.

There were once, we were playing this game Solitaire Showdown on Msn, you lost, and you didnt even wanna talk to me on the phone after that game. So you tell me, the fear of losing or was it true feelings? I don't know. And to be honest, I don't care.

All I knw, I can do better.
Someone told me, I'm getting the better deal out of this.
She's stuck with you, worrying her entire life if you are ever gonna dump her ever again.
Me? I'm free as a bird, I'm gonna be experiencing something new. Someone new. Someone who knows when to make a decision and stick with it. And someone who deserves my love. Because darling, you dont deserve it at all.

Sure, I was hurting so much.
Who wouldn't when you suddenly explode a bomb onto their face.
But I can live without you now.
Yes, it's only been a couple of days since then.
But guess wad? I guess your brutalness got me a reality check that this wasn't how a relationship should work.

You know how much effort I put in for you.
I took care of your home.
I wash/scrub/hang/dry/fold your clothes.
I vaccuumed/sweep/mop your whole house.
I iron your working clothes.
I clear the damn dustbins and put it outside.
I made you laugh.
I made your heart skip a beat each time I surprises you with things you dont expect.
I changed my lifestyle for you.
I hung out less with my friends.
I quit smoking.
I stop my makeup and dance class just to see you more often.
I was losing myself when Im with you.
But I was afraid more of losing you that's why I kept on going.
But then again, I couldn't believe a marketing manager from a college couldn't appreciate that.

My life revolves around you.
Everything was about you.
Despite all these, you are throwing it all away.
And I realised, I shouldn't have compromised so much to you.
I shouldn't have lose myself just to please you.
I realised, making mistake and working our way, forgiving one another, learning another's traits is actually how relationship works.

I failed to put a stop when I should have.

But thanks to you. I've learnt.
You used me to test your feelings for your ex.
You were honest, but cleverly hide things you dont wanna tell.
I've learnt never to trust you ever again.
Maybe we could be friends in future.

But you know what? I'm afraid you may just cheat on your wife then.
Knowing how fickle minded you are. That's what you will do.
One day you love me, One day you love her.
Another news flash! : i knw deep in my heart, you'll regret your actions. You'll suffer for it. Because you always thinks you know. But time again and again, you fail to really know what you want. Soon enough, you'll get all bored again, why? Because she's boring. Simple as that. You would only want something you can't have. Guess wad? You can never have me ever again.

Like I said before, Feelings never dies. It just goes right deep inside your heart, making itself comfortable and special place to rest. Oh, did I mention that, those kind of feelings, won't resurface for those who know how to appreciate the ppl who gave their heart and soul to their love ones?
As for you, This will never work.

But I thank you really. For giving me a chance to have a better life out there. For waking me up from these so-called-dream. I'm enjoying others attention right now. And I am so blessed to have real good friends who took me out each day, to talk to me, to advise me, right til i came to my senses.

My friends who loves me:
Peggy
FM
Buluman
John
Keshy
Azrin
Nezyrin
Lily
Marianne
April
Ivy
Desmond

Thank you.